For a while now, I have been fantasising about what it would feel like to find ‘home’ in someone else. Not a tangible one, but in the same way that a physical pile of brick and mortar can provide a shelter and haven from the world outside, a home for the soul, as it were. In many ways, I feel as though I have found home in myself – over the past few years I have learned an incredible amount about the kind of person i am: what I love, what I don’t want in life, who and what is important to me, and how I define god and more, all based on the events within my life. Despite this, I find it weird to think about how this level of comfort and honesty that i have with myself will translate when I come to share this with another person (whether in a romantic relationship or not). To an extent, the idea of finding a home in someone else seems foreign to me. At the same time however, I strongly believe in the importance of collaboration and partnerships between individuals, and the creation that can come out of these deep, ‘beyond the surface’ type of relationships.
Of course, I can’t ignore the significance of family and friends in my life – as i’ve grown, I have appreciated them so much more and I try to show my love in any way I can. However in many ways what this leads to is the fact that I have recently been feeling a growing disability to strike deeper connections with people, not necessarily because of disinterest, but maybe because of distrust. The feeling of vulnerability that comes from fully opening up to someone and feeling free with them, while creating an environment for the other person in the relationship to freely express themselves is really attractive to me however, sadly, not everybody is interested in exploring their emotions, let alone fully and unashamedly expressing them. Simultaneously, I am unwilling to let my emotions be devalued or trivialised, and this is in large part why i don’t tell just anyone about personal issues. My personal information is not to be shared unless I say it is, nor is it something you can can use against me.
In saying all of this, I’ve met many wonderful people who value deeper, more soulful connections, and those are the people I am most comfortable with and around. Ultimately, while i value time with and by myself, I really come alive when I find people with whom I can talk about truly anything, and who also feel they can do the same. I guess my focus for the year will be to take my time and value the great relationships I have with people in my life currently, while also nurturing the relationship I have with myself.